According to Ikea, my mom was right. No one likes an open box.
1 hour, 10 minutes agoView original
3
My coffee is so strong it just got drafted to the Cincinnati Bengals. My coffee is so bad it just got drafted to the Cincinnati Bengals.
InsoOutso from Columbus, OH
1 hour, 15 minutes agoView original
3
Allocation of brain while running: 37%-Nice day. 23%-Ooh, pretzels? 43%-DODGE THE BUM, LEAP OVER THE BUM. I'm so the Phelps of bum-hurdling.
verdandi from Boston
1 hour, 26 minutes agoView original
3
I am too young to be finding gray hair and too old to be breaking out like this.
CcSteff (Stephanie) from Richmond, VA
1 hour, 30 minutes agoView original
8
I always thought the word "blog" was ugly and awkward, but now that I've met "webinar" I realize how much worse it could've been.
meyerweb (Eric A. Meyer) from USA
1 hour, 32 minutes agoView original
3
I don't drink coffee to survive Monday mornings. I drink coffee so those around me survive Monday mornings.
badbanana (Tim Siedell) from Nebraska, USA
1 hour, 44 minutes agoView original
4
Every time someone says "C4" in a tweet, I'm tempted to reply with "You sank my Battleship!"
Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) from NY
1 hour, 50 minutes agoView original
6
(spelling out numbers=twitterpadding)
hodgman from ny
1 hour, 57 minutes agoView original
3
WELCOME to inbox seven hundred eighty one.
hodgman from ny
1 hour, 57 minutes agoView original
3
The world has no shortage of people who are willing to point out that your baby has cradle cap.
EntropyAS (A. Shankle-Knowlton) from Tulsa, OK
1 hour, 58 minutes agoView original
3
"I weigh 180lbs."
"Um, the scale says 220!"
"That's overhead."
("The Marketing Department goes to the Doctor's Office", page 15)
tj (TJ) from Cliffs of Insanity, Suite #3
2 hours, 13 minutes agoView original
6
The problem with watching political coverage on 24/7 news networks is that my logical fallacy bingo card fills up too quickly.
CcSteff (Stephanie) from Richmond, VA
2 hours, 20 minutes agoView original
16
I.F.H. Monday's®
(a subsidiary of T.G.I. Friday's®)
thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) from Indianapolis, IN
2 hours, 30 minutes agoView original
7
Anyone that tries to talk to me about Lil' Wayne's performance last night will be reminded they're 30-years old.
InsoOutso from Columbus, OH
2 hours, 30 minutes agoView original
3
Yes! Yes! Yes I do! I love Mondays! How 'bout YOU?
NickiHiss (Nicole D.) from Rock-chester, NY, USA
3 hours, 4 minutes agoView original
4
I think my coffeemaker just passed the Turing Test.
Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) from NY
3 hours, 7 minutes agoView original
6
Dr. Phil is the 'Tard Whisperer.
DieLaughing (J. Adam Moore) from San Francisco
3 hours, 27 minutes agoView original
8
Who are the people who keep demanding additional blades on a razor? Of COURSE your skin feels smooth after you've shaved off your epidermis.
gordonshumway from Slappytown
3 hours, 30 minutes agoView original
5
"Hey, uh, when you're single next, I'd like to date you, but don't feel weird around me in the mean time."
wilshipley (Wil Shipley) from iPhone: 47.675667,-122.290977
4 hours, 12 minutes agoView original
6
I honestly think if we ever create a self-aware AI that is smarter than us it will kill itself. We are exactly as smart as we can be.
wilshipley (Wil Shipley) from iPhone: 47.675667,-122.290977
4 hours, 58 minutes agoView original
6